Thursday, 18 January 2018


There, I said it.

Looking back, I was astonished by how much I mentally have changed. I was once a very confident, cheerful young boy who believed so much in himself that he could conquer all. The said boy has encountered the struggles and troubles and pain oh so bravely, that he conquered them all with pride. He even managed to live independently in a foreign country for a whole year. Now, though, he is locked in the back of my mind and I can’t seem to reach out to him anymore.

I have no idea how it all happened, or where all the confidence and self-esteem has gone, but at one point in my life, things started to change. Yet, nothing seemed to change. Everyone around me is still the same old individual that I know of. My house don’t change, obviously. My family don’t change either. My friends don’t seem to change, I think. Yet, everything feels different and it kind of drives me insane. It seems the change is not from the outside, it most likely comes from the inside.

As I get older, life seems to be a little bit tougher and much more troublesome than it was. Or so I thought. I have mentioned about a habit in previous post (here) that might help to obtain a happier life. However, it is not as easy, and at all simple, as writing it down. I tried it out. You know what I did? I erased my Instagram and Twitter. Why? Because both platforms give me that strong sense of powerlessness. How come? Because I have insecurities. There, I said it. I am insecure about how I don’t do well in presenting myself out there. I am insecure about how people don’t like what I do, or not liking me for me. I am stupidly insecure about things that go beyond my control, which leads me to doubting myself and my self-worth. And, there is no one to blame but me.

My beloved ones have tirelessly gave me advices about not giving a f*ck, and they are all true, but it is a LOT harder than they think (or you think). The fact that I am writing this and sharing it to my blog is an enough proof of how much of an insecure person I am, one who does not know how to handle the pain and emptiness that he feels other than writing it down. I really want to talk about this to the real living person, my living diaries, but I can’t bring myself to disrupt their own sanity by giving advices to the problem they don’t have. It would also be burdensome, for they have their personal problems to deal with.

Truthfully speaking, I envy those who could easily said that they love themselves too much to care. I guess I am not on that level of self-love yet. I still care too much, about things that matter, as well as the things that don’t matter, to me. I wish I care less.

To those who are reading this, and feeling the same way as I am, please hang in there. I know it’s hard, very well so, but just hang in there. If you find comfort in someone’s advices, talk to them. If you have no one to talk to, or are afraid to talk, go look for the good things, like hobbies, that you could do that help you pouring your heart out and bring you contentment. All in all, seek a positive remedy to deal with your insecurities no matter how much energy it takes or how much time it needs or how much money it spends. Do not let them win over your sanity. Let us fight back until it's gone. Hang in there, for life still has so much to offer. Hang in there, for this too shall pass.

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